Tag Archives: humor

Day After New Years Day

2012aHere is 2013–although I started to type 2301 and totally freaked out for .7 secs. Fresh from time travel, let me state the obvious. It is a New Year. And I am thankful. Generally, yes I am thankful–what do I have to complain about? But specifically thankful that 2012 is over. A year I don’t want to repeat.

I was originally tempted to title this post “2012 Is Going to be a Good Year”. Ironic humor at its best (or so I think). But a lot of people don’t get ironic humor (or so I think). Actually, it’s more like a lot of people don’t get my ironic humor, so to those of you in the exclusive club of kind souls who tolerate me out of love or pity: Bless you.

And now, out of consideration for those who don’t get my ironic humor and have therefore concluded that I didn’t proofread my title and am therefore challenged in some way and must feel compelled to pity me but then recoil at the prospect of thinking so un-politically correct: First, let me point out that I have spared you such moral torment by not using the afore-temptative title. Second, I want you know that I just made up a word: temptative. I just checked Websters because I was surprised that WordPress put that little dotted underline under the word. It seems like it should be a word. But before I go there, share in my bemusement by the fact that WordPress used the dotted underline thingy on itself. Literally “WordPress” doesn’t recognize itself as a word in its own dictionary. How ironic.

And third, (yes, if you were paying attention, there was a “first” and “second” buried somewhere in that big paragraph), I have made a New Year’s resolution to limit my blog posts to 200 words or less, so must end now. Don’t count them, but this blog post has more than 300 words. In fact, one more for each word I type. Fascinating…

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A Seattle Hidden Treasure

I have been on blogging holiday lately, so I thought I’d come out of hibernation with something tongue-in-cheek. Merrilyn and I had happy hour at this awesome Mexican restaurant on Roosevent called COA. (We had one of those Living Social coupons.) As we subsequently walked the neighborhood, we found this hidden treasure. Feast your eyes!

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Obsessed With Facebook Analytics?

I have a Facebook artist “page” (or fan page, or music page, or whatever one calls it). When I pull it up, it shows a header section which includes an up-to-date analytics graph.

As you can see, it depicts “total reach” along with activity by yourself and your “fans” on the page. “Reach” gives you an idea of how many people are actually seeing your activity in their news feed, shown as a 7-day total each day. I find myself going crazy looking at this graph. Some days the last seven days show over 600 people reached. (Woo hoo! “Break out the champagne!” Or “Hey friendly Starbucks barrista, make that latte a breve.”)

And then another day it drops down into the 200s or, perish the thought, below 100. Oh no! What happened? Did I do something to lose people? What do I need to do to get back on people’s news feed? Frantically, Googley-ga-ga-ing around on the Interweb educates me about something called “Edgerank” which is some highly classified set of calculations the gods of Facebook have concocted to determine who is “in” and who is “out”. I further learn that there are certain things that one can do to anger these gods and therefore bring lightening bolts, pestilence and famine upon the Edgerank score. Oh no! Have I become a stench in the nostrils of Facebook?

Of course, much of this is speculation about the nature of the Almighty Facebook, something akin to debating how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, or the nature of free will. Perhaps Edgerank is determined by trained squirrels in a special top-secret room pulling random levers. I say “trained” because I am not sure if untrained squirrels can pull levers. Do you know? Perhaps someone should Bing-bang-a-lang “trained squirrels”. I only know of the ones who appeared in the remake of Willy Wonka. Weren’t they amazing?

All to say, I have realized, and now admit that I am an analytics-a-holic and it has made my Facebook life unmanageable.  Fortunately, there is an option so that the cruel little graph doesn’t pop up every time I visit my page. Anybody want to start a support group?

And all professional squirrel trainers: Speak up. It’s time your voice is heard.

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Does This Look Like Cole Slaw To You?

We took a recent trip to the Mt. St. Helens area of Washington, and except for a coupon for Tacoma Museum of Glass that was accidentally stapled to the voucher we had for the hotel we were staying at, the trip would have been a total bust, primarily because we never saw Mt. St. Helens due to weather.

While in Castle Rock, we ate dinner at one of the few restaurants in  town. I ordered a “fish basket” and this is what they gave me for cole slaw. I just had to share.

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My Garden Project vs. The Hunger Games

I just wanted to update everybody on my garden project. As you may recall, I proudly posted a few weeks ago my grand intentions to start my first ever vegetable garden. I have this little strip of wall on the south side of our house that (if we’re lucky, read below) may get about eight hours of sunshine during the height of the season. So here is what my garden area now looks like:

You will notice that I have made great progress from what it looked like three weeks ago:

Now if you have had at least a nominal amount of morning caffeine to be alert and observant today, you will have come to the conclusion that I have in fact made absolutely no progress on my garden.

Oh that’s funny, coincidentally a few seconds ago a commercial for the news came on in which the anchor said “When will winter finally let up? Get Jeff’s forecast tonight at 11.” That is too crazy since I was just ready to insert this next picture:

I kid you not! I was about to post this picture (which I just did, in case you were paying attention) and say something like the following, which is almost like a confessional, so imagine I am at one of those 12-step meetings where I say:

“Hi, I’m Kelly, and I’m a Californian” at which point everyone says “Hi, Kelly” to be supportive. And then I say “I haven’t had the sun for 10 days” at which point I hope they have something like a 10-day coin to hand me for my sufferance, along with a tube of tanning paint. For you see, my friends, when it comes to weather, I am a total wuss.

Never you mind that I have lived up here in this substance we call “Seattle Sunshine” for most of the last 30+ years. (By the way, that is slang for any of the following: “rain”, “spotty rain”, “increasing rain”, “showers”, “mixed showers”, “partial showers”, “partial sun”, “cats and dogs living together” and combinations thereof.) You would think that I would be “acclimated” to this miserable weather, but if anything, I have become less tolerant.

Meanwhile, there have still been plenty of indoor projects to occupy me. Primarily, a DVR full of shows to watch like “The Voice”, “Alcatraz”, “CSI”, “Person of Interest”, “New Girl”, etc. Also, watching really cool movies that just hit the theatre is, by their very nature, an indoor activity. (Not many drive-in theatres up in these parts.) By “really cool movies” of course I am referring to “The Hunger Games”. And since I’m not outside gardening, I felt the little ecard above was priceless. (Really, it didn’t cost me anything.)

I will say that I have made some slight progress on the garden project: The Methodist church at the bottom of our little hill had a vegetable gardening workshop this evening which I attended. It was conducted by the owner of Gardens Alive Design, Kirsten Lints. She provided a lot of useful information, especially with regard to local resources, such as the local master gardener’s association website and a place to get soil tested. Thanks Kirsten!

I learned that at the very least I can start some seeds inside, so that is going to be my next step. I will keep you all posted. Meanwhile, happy Hunger Games!!

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A few bad musician jokes

A fellow recording artist recently had some time to kill in the studio while his new CD was getting mixed, so he starting sharing musician jokes on Facebook and got his friends to share theirs as well. So here are a few of them that I particularly enjoyed:

Q: What’s the definition of an optimist? 
A: An accordion player with a pager!

Q: What’s the difference between a banjo player and a pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a whole family!!!

Q: What’s the difference between a cello and a viola?
A: The cello burns longer.

Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen? 
A: Put it in a viola case.

Q: How do you spot a trombonist’s kid on the playground? 
A: He can’t swing and he complains about the slide.

Q: What do you say to a electric guitar player in a 3-piece suit?
A: “Will the defendant please rise…”

Q: How do you get a drummer off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza

Q: Why do sax players hang out on the porch? 
A: They can’t find the key and don’t know where to come in.

It seems that no instrument is spared from the axe, except piano and violin. I wonder why. Personally, I believe it is because the piano in particular is the Lord’s instrument and people know better than to blaspheme. What do you think? Know any good pianist or violinist jokes?

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